Iron Man 3…
..wow…okay..where do I begin here?
I went to the 9:40 PM showing on Thursday, May 2nd 2013 at the Goodrich Portage 16 theatre, in Portage, IN. I paid roughly $45.
That $45 went to the two tickets you see above…plus a large popcorn, 2 large Pepsis, a box of Snow Caps, a box of Buncha Crunch, and a pretzel with cheese. We hadnt ate all day.
So…im not going to give you a synopsis of Iron Man 3. It directly follows last years “Avengers”. It’s the first film in “Phase 2” of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It will be followed by Thor: The Dark World. Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Gaurdians of the Galaxy and end capped with Avengers 2.
Oh and Ant Man is getting a movie too…because yeah.
Overall I liked the movie. It was a fun popcorn flick. The laughs were there….the fun was there. the action was there. There was just so many…..I dont know. Gripes I had with it.
First off, I’m not a big Marvel fan. I’m a DC Guy. That has absolutely nothing to do with my reaction to this, as I loved Iron Man, Iron Man 2, and Avengers. I’m going to number these issues I had…but bare in mind-they are not actually in ORDER. Alot of this is Nitpicky…
There will be spoilers….you have been warned….
so JARVIS, set a course for Iron Man 3…..and punch it!
1) WHERE THE FUCK IS IRON MAN in “IRON MAN 3”?
Iron Man 3 is the Tony Stark show. I say that because Iron Man is in the movie all of maybe 15 minutes. There’s a sequence right before the big finale fight-with Rodey and Tony that makes me feel like im watching a buddy cop movie. Tony Stark is not Bruce Wayne. Tony Stark NEEDS the suit to be effective in a physical confrontation. Tony Stark has minimal-if any hand to hand combat training. Tony Stark has minimal-if any-weapons training. At least as far as we know. Bruce Wayne is still a skilled marksman and fighter-to where if he needed to be without his Batsuit, he could still be effective.
Tony Stark..is an alocholic….
2) The Iron Knight Rises
The film followed the exact same story arc, and general plot line of “The Dark Knight Rises”. You start with a hero, who gets beaten down into oblivion and has to rebuild himself to save the say with a bunch of cool toys. TDKR did it last year, when Bane broke Batman and Bruce Wayne-both literally and figuratively. Bane than threw Bruce in prison-and forced him to come back and save Gotham City before making the ultimate sacrifice. Iron Man 3 did it this year, when AIM destroys Tony Starks house, sends him into hiding-leaving him with only a PROTOTYPE Mark 42 suit which is in completely disarray. Forcing him to rebuild himself and save the day and save Pepper Potts…
Oh..Pepper Potts…we’ll get there.
There was NO ultimate sacrifice to make it worthwhile. He blows up the star of the show, Guy Pearce-who can breath fucking fire. Sure, there was a tease. In the movie, AIM is working on something called “Extremis”. It is NOT an alien upgrade to the Iron Man armor-but rather a way to hack the human brain, and allow the human brain to regrow the body. It makes people immortal, and it also gives them pyrokinetic powers. Pretty awesome right? Extremis sleeper agents are EVERYWHERE. Well, after Tony Stark makes a threat to the Mandarin-(we’ll get to him…) and AIM (Advanced Idea Mechanics, a privately funded thinktank.) comes along and blows his fucking house up-sending him into hiding, Pepper Potts (trust us, we’ll get to her.) is kidnapped by AIM and injected with the Extremis formula (PLOTPOINT!). Fast forward to the equivelent to the scene in “Rises”, where Batman tells Selina that he “hasnt given the city everything. not yet.” and delivers his tear jerking line about how anybody can be a hero. That scene in Iron Man 3 was the scene where a captive Pepper Potts falls to her demise-after the hero FAILS to catch her.
Yes. The hero FAILS.
The look on Tony Starks face, when he see’s Guy Pearce’s snide condascending smirk tells the entire story. “You killed the love of my life..and now Im going to rip your goddamn face off. AVENGERS!! ASSEMBLE!! (we’ll get there too)”!…they fight a bit, Iron Man switched through the
toy commercial various armors he has at his disposal, and right when it looks like his demons might get the best of him. BAM! DEUS EX MACHINA! Pepper Potts-thanks to Extremis saves the fucking day.
Pepper Potts saves the fucking day. Good lord.
3) WHERE THE FUCK IS SHIELD??!?!?!?!?!
No. Not those guys. Though a Shield cameo from those three would of been pretty awesome.
Tony Stark JUST SAVED THE FUCKING WORLD FROM ALIENS. He is part of an elite government superhero team called the Avengers. He’s friends with a fucking God. He’s protege’s with a doctor who turns into a raging green destruction machine. He’s friends with a guy from the 1940s. HES A GODDAMNED HERO WHO SAVED THE WORLD FROM THE CHITARI LIKE SIX MONTHS AGO-so where the fuck are SHIELD?
let me explain.
Happy (his bodygaurd / head of Stark Security..played by former director Jon Favreau) is tracing this creepy dude who was with Guy Pearce when he visited Pepper Potts for a meeting at Stark Industries. He see’s him deliver a briefcase to Ben Affleck(?) and it appears to be a drug. He tails the guy, picks up a piece of it-and gets his ass handed to him (spoiler: the guy is an Extremis soldier). The other guy is another Extremis project, who overheats and blows right the fuck up-vaporizing everyone and putting Happy in a coma. This lead to Tony Stark doing more detective work in 10 minutes than Bruce Wayne did in the entire Dark Knight Trilogy (….yeah wasnt happy about that either…) and figuring out that it wasnt a bomb that has been causing all these Mandarin explosions-but someone else-when he see’s a pair of dog tags in the crime scene. He cross references them with other Mandarin attacks-and concludes what we all know. He’s involved. He is than hounded by the press after visiting Happy in the hospital (presumably where someone asked him for the Batman to return…). Where he makes a personal threat to the Mandarin-giving out his home address. 20 minutes later, choppers (GET TO THA CHOPPAA!!!) are flanking his house with fucking rockets. The girl from the beginning of the movie is back, and trying to get Tony out. Tony uses the Prototype Mark 42 armor to save her and Pepper-but than gets thrown into the ocean. The suit switches to autopilot and flies away to the middle of nowhere.
So Pepper Potts is just with this random woman. WHERE THE FUCK IS SHIELD? Wouldnt you think Nick Fury would put Stark and Pepper and everyone close to them into SHIELD PROTECTIVE CUSTODY the minute Stark threatened a terrorist on National TV? Yeah. Guess what. He didnt. Guess what? the woman works for AIM….guess what…she gets taken to the Mandarin.
…oh god..the Mandarin…
4) The Fucking Mandarin…
Look. I’m not a HUGE Iron Man fan. Okay? I consider myself pretty knowledgable about the source material, and I love comics in general. So with that said….the fucking Mandarin is ruined and wasted.
The Mandarin in the comics, is Iron Man’s ARCH NEMESIS. He’s The Joker, he’s Venom, he’s Lex Luthor. He’s the antithesis of Iron Man.
In Iron Man 3? He’s a fucking actor hired to be the “face of terror” in a fake terror compaign propegated by AIM.
at least the idea that Bane was working for Talia Al Ghul made fucking sense…..this? What the hell man? Sure, I loved the commentary on how American government and big business stages acts of terror to rally support. The Mandarin is all powerful….you had a terrorist group called the Ten Rings in Iron Man 1…so was all of it propegated by AIM? Everything? Are they Architects of the Matrix? Did they release Loki in Avengers? Did they hook him up with the Chitari? Are they the illuminati of the Marvel Cinematic Universe?
No. No they’re not. They’re a bunch of douchebags who get hot and go boom.
The Mandarin pissed me off. Sure. we had the throw away line by Guy Pearce saying he was the real Mandarin the whole time—-but im sorry. That’s a cop out. Fucking hell….
5) Demon In A Bottle
Anxiety attacks? Tony, they have Prozac for that. I’m pretty sure you can afford it. If the “anxiety panic attacks” were supposed to be this movies way of doing the famous “Demon In A Bottle” storyline..well then hell…you failed miserably.
For those unaware. Demon IN A bottle is a famous story dealing with Tony Starks alcoholism. It’s probably one of the best known Iron Man stories-if not one of the best known comic book stories of all time. This? Was trite.
6) Iron Patriot and War Machine
God. Look okay. this is a fanboy one for me. IRON PATRIOT AND WAR MACHINE ARE NOT THE SAME FUCKING CHARACTER!!!!! Iron Patriot was devised by Norman Osborne during the events of “Dark Reign”-the story that immediatly followed Secret Invasion-which retconned Civil War-where Tony Stark turned out to be a fucking Skrull the whole time! Norman Osborne was put in charge of the Dark Avengers. A team of super villains turned heros. You had him as Iron Patriot. You had Venom replacing Spiderman, Daken as Wolverine, and so on and so forth. Now sure, I knew we werent going to get that-but just repainting War Machine and giving him a new snazzy “tested well with focus groups name” in Iron Patriot was weak. I would of much preferred to see Guy Pearce not be the Human Torch, and instead developed his own nanotech Extremis armor. THink about it. AIM creates the Mandarin secretly as the face of Terror. Than AIM creates the Iron Patriot as the new peoples hero-to give them the confidence of the people-before having a big knock down fight with Iron Man, and the revelation that AIM was behind the Mandarin attacks as well.
Simple enough right?
Nope. Instead the Government takes the War Machine armor, goes all Pimp My Ride on it, and we get Iron Patriot. There’s a running joke where Tony keeps mocking the name.
During the finale, they go to crucify the President IN the Iron Patriot armor on an oil rig. I really wish they would of capped the running joke off with having him thank Rodey (played by Don Cheadle. Who still sucks.) saying “Thank you Iron Patriot!” and Rodey go “It’s War Machine sir.”…
and last but not least….
7) THE ENDING
so in The Dark Knight Rises, Batman sacrifices himself to save Gotham City from a bomb. In Iron Man 3 there is no sacrifice, there is no hardship. The one point where someone could of been the sacrificial lamb is deus ex machina’d out of happening. So what does Tony do at the end? He decides to do what he PROBABLY SHOULD OF DONE THE VERY FIRST THING AFTER HITTING US SOIL….
he goes to the hospital and has them remove the shrapnel by his heart with an electromagnet.
BECAUSE THATS EXACTLY WHAT HE SHOULD OF DONE FROM DAY ONE!
“I need a cheeseburger, and a hospital. NOW!”
…..so does that mean we’re done with Iron Man? It did say Tony Stark will return. Im sure the ARC reactor doesnt need to be in him to operate the suit.
So theres no sacrifice. Tony just gets bored and says fuck it. Yeah. Real heroic. Sure, they copped out the end of TDKR with Bruce fixing the auto pilot and getting out of dodge in time. But for all intents are purposes..BATMAN died at the end of “Rises”. Iron Man? He just said “Fuck It..I quit.”
…now look, don’t let those six things misinform you. I did ENJOY Iron Man 3….i think if i would of paid much more than a nice dinner price for it-I would of been PISSED.
I’m a big comic book fan. I like things being like the comics. Obviously you’re adapting the story for a reason…..so keep it legit. That said, if you ONLY know Iron Man from the movies. You’ll love it. It was a fun movie.
2 1/2 out of 5…..
and Man of Steel comes out in a month. lets see how that does. #InNolanITrust right?